You Might Be Living On The Vineyard If: Part One.

When asked to give directions to your home, your answer in any way resembles the following:

"You want to be looking for a silver mailbox next to the third maple tree after the farm. (Try to avoid inadvertently driving on farm property; you might be accused of "messing with the chickens" and promptly shot at. It happens.)

The maple tree used to have some reflectors on it, but they fell off during Hurricane Bob, so the silver mailbox is really all you have to go on. You'll know you've gone too far if you pass that garden supply store where everything's always half-price, or the place that used to be the place with the really good egg sandwiches. Or if you drive into the ocean.

If you catch the maple tree in time, turn left at the mailbox, and after the fourth crater-sized pothole on your right, you'll see a little sign with a painted number on it. The sign is in the shape of either a sailboat or a bird. It's really hard to say.

If you get lost, don't bother trying to call. Your cell phone won't have service and neither does mine. You'll have better luck rolling down your window and yelling for me. Somebody's bound to hear you eventually."